Peyton Nicole- 3months without

written on: 5.8.2022

Days after days go by, and days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months… but they are days, weeks, and months that I ne­ver imagined living without my daughter Peyton Nicole. I’m heartbroken…I needed her, I wanted a little tiny best friend, to feed her a bottle, to kiss her goodnight, push her in the stroller and buckle her in the car seat, couldn’t wait to bring her home to an adorable nursey that I had spent hours on just for her and I wanted to see her take her first steps crawling & walking, to hear her call me mama, and I wanted to hear her cry and laugh. All the mommy things you do with a daughter. I couldn’t wait to take her on a Starbucks/Target shopping date and enroll her into dance classes when she got older…something about little girls in toto’s is adorable and I couldn’t wait to see Peyton in one dancing around. I had so many dreams for her and things I wanted to do with her…

I feel lost without my baby girl…and I don’t know what to do with life now for myself other than, I hold on to the beautiful memories that I have of her inside my belly, every kick and roll, every video of her heartbeat, every doctor appointment throughout a healthy pregnancy, all the ultrasound pictures of her little face, feet, arms, and hands. So precious and so life changing to grow a tiny human inside of you.

It’s a complete nightmare to hold your unbreathing child in your arms and not be able to do anything about it. Its unbearable… holding her and seeing that sweet little nose and face for the first time in my arms was so beautiful and terrible at the same time. All I wanted to do was save her, fix her heartbeat, help her breath, I wanted her to open her eyes and see her mommy. I was praying and begging God to let her live a life with me, because I didn’t and still don’t know how to go on without her here on earth with me. It unfair.

Tears flow down my face as I write this…. i can’t even see what I’m typing as I try to grieve through the loss and heartbreak. Everyone says “you’re so strong and you are doing so good” I don’t feel strong, I feel weak and undeserving. I don’t know what I did to not deserve my baby, but I know God had bigger plans for her to be in heaven with Him and she’s living a better life than anything I could have given her. I feel like I’m missing out on everything…I want to be with her and take care of her, I love my sweet baby Peyton.

This is just place for me to share my thoughts and add to the blog as I feel and live through the pain and its healing and it helps me grieving through the emotions. I hope it helps other grieving mothers that lost their sweet baby's and know that you are not alone and to remind you that God has a plan.