One Year

written: 02/13/2023

One year without my baby girl, I honestly thought this day would never come or that I would never make it the whole year...this last year has been the darkest year of my life. Full of heartache, heartbreak, fear, shame, lost dreams, lost future, confusion, extreme trauma, anxiety and the list goes on. I dreaded this moment on the "One Year" mark. I kept thinking that somehow I could wake myself up from this horrible dream and that Peyton would be here with me again and I could throw her a "First Birthday party" with a Pink Elephant Theme. Somehow I had this "false hope" that she would come back to me...and that I could live this life with her. Sad isn't how I could hope for something that will never happen. But honestly I think that's what true love is.... hoping to spend forever with the people we love most. Just think about God and how much He loves us and how much He can't wait too be with us forever. God has given me a glimpse of the kind of Love He has for us. His love is never ending and I never truly understood that until I felt that kind of love for Peyton. Its unending, beautiful, and the purest kind of love.

I miss her more than words could ever explain...God gave me an Angel too carry inside of me for 8 months and He knew she was changing me and saving me. Her little hand & feet prints are just the sweetest little memories too frame and put close too me, I felt those little feet kicking me and saw those sweet little fingers. I feel her close too me still and she knows that I loved her more than anything and knew how hard I was trying too prepare a life for her. But her and God knew that, that kind of life was not for Her and it was not for Me. He used her to save me from a horrible life and I love her even more for that. My little Angel Baby! On Peyton's First Birthday 2/13 I wrote her a birthday card and placed it in her box, I looked through her box of memories & belongings, cried pretty much all day (and that's ok) and listened too her heartbeat video on my phone for the first time since I lost her and it was beautiful. It was a beautiful and hard day of remembering her and everything we went through together and honestly just missing her. My Angel baby has my heart forever and I will never stop loving and missing her.

I hope that if your reading this, you know that my heart is breaking and healing at the same time and that is the purest kind of healing when you have faith in God. Its letting your heart hurt and heal with the Trust that God is going to make you whole again with Him! Your Story matters - your life matters and you never know who needs too hear it so don't be afraid to share it!! Never doubt what God can do with a broken life when you give Him all the pieces.