9 Months

written: 11/21/2022

Whoever said "it gets easier as time goes on" was definitely wrong.

Grieving the loss of a child does not get easier but harder as the time goes on or maybe it the "grieving process"...I honestly don't know, but it's harder with every passing day. I'm so angry, sad, & confused all at the same time. I want her here with me and every day without her seem to keep getting harder. Why? I have so many questions that I don't have the answer too...

Why is my baby girl not here?

Why did I have to go through this?

Why did I get to carry her for 8 months and then loss her?

What lesson am I to learn from this?

Why get a baby room all ready and not get the baby?

Why did this happen?

I keep hoping that one day I'll wake up from this bad dream and she'll be here with me, even though I know that will not happen until I'm in heaven with her... in heaven with her. So much peace in that statement...In heaven with her...I can't wait to hold my baby and love on her. God has her safe with Him and I can have the hope and assurance that I will be with Peyton again someday! Grieving is a weird season of emotions...honestly Somedays I wonder if I am grieving right or wrong? but I've started to learned that I can't be so hard on myself....one day its bad and the next its good and learning that process of grieving is really just letting myself "feel" all the emotions. Cry when I want to cry, feel happy when I want to feel happy, mad when I want to be mad or thankful when I want to be thankful...so thankful in this season of grief that my baby girl is safe...in heaven with God and safe.

I am slowly learning and understanding that grieving has a lot to do with Mindset... the mindset to let God guide you through the season of hurt, disbelief and heartache. It's not easy by any means...so much lost. Dreams, hope, a future and plans with my baby girl all lost here on earth...sometimes I get really mad at God...but than I remind myself that He saved Peyton from a life she wasn't meant to live and that God and Peyton saved me from that horrible life. Safe...a peace so strong knowing that God has her safe...I am safe...that brings so much peace during this grieving process.

9 months without her or 9 months closer to being with her again?

God brought this question to my heart and it has given me so much hope and strength to flip the question and tell myself..."I'm 9 months closer to being with my baby girl in heaven". 9 months closer and until that day that I get to see God and my baby face to face...I will hold tight to that Faith and Trust in knowing that God has a plan even when I can't see it.